Where is hell? Some say Kansas, Kansans say it’s Oklahoma. But
I have it on good authority that it is flying for the rest of eternity in row
23 on a United Airlines Embrair 145, (the second to the last row, with a
1-year-old behind you, kicking the seat), right next to the bathroom, listening
to the interminable announcements about electronics, smoking, seat belts, and
for those who have not been in an automobile since before 1971, how to assemble
your seatbelt. Then the sales pitch for an overpriced box of crackers & “cheese
food”, how great and friendly United is, and how they emphasize customer
service. More on that later.
The overdriven speaker is six inches from my left ear and I
cannot understand a single distorted word that emanates from it. Probably
because the starboard engine is about 6 feet behind my right shoulder.
The preflight announcements about seat belts, etc. ends,
ironically, in a statement that United would like to hear from us about how to
improve their service. The reason they want to hear from you about how to
improve their service is to gather market data about what additional features for which you are willing to pay. They already know that if they make some seats so
miserable to sit in that you will pay an additional $66 to not sit in them, so
that is not a useful suggestion.
They know that if they charge extra for checking luggage above 40 or 50 pounds that
passengers will bring the biggest possible wheelie aboard the plane. Even
better, they know that if they jumble up the boarding process and let those
other passengers occupy all the overhead space, you will be highly incented to
pay extra just to board ahead of the hoi poloi like me.
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